


the end means the beginning

by sinkie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It's Not That Bad I Promise, M/M, Panic Attacks, though there are some text chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24135340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinkie/pseuds/sinkie
Summary: Felix wonders, how Chan managed to change his life drastically in only a few weeks.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin
Comments: 20
Kudos: 128





	1. troublesome neighbour

**Author's Note:**

> READ ! ! ! ! !
> 
> hello!!!!!  
> i have to warn you one more time, that this work might be full of triggers though i tried not to make it too angsty
> 
> felix describes his experience with self-harm and anxiety, which is based on my friend's and my own experiences  
> i haven't overcome this fully yet, so this is in no way a warning or motivation to stop doing whatever i've written about  
> i know, judging by myself, that sometimes you just need to read about similar situations and see, that your case is not hopeless and you can find loving and supporting people
> 
> so! everything is pretty simple! if you don't like it or feel triggered, don't read it  
> i warned you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_24 july (4:55pm)_

  
lix:  
hey hyung  
mum asked me to text u

you:  
yeah? what about?

lix:  
she couldn't reach ur parents on the phone to invite ur family for dinner tomorrow

you:  
oh okay  
i'll tell em

lix:  
thanks

you:  
that's it?

lix:  
wym

you:  
that's all you wanted to say?

lix:  
um  
why would i need to talk to u

you:  
you're right  
there's nothing to talk about

lix:  
yep that's what i said?  
ur strange hyung

you:  
i-  
felix  
i was joking

lix:  
whaa  
i don't understand u

you:  
stop playing dumb  
we know each other for like  
3 years???? and we don't talk

lix:  
so?  
i know some of my classmates for 11 years  
and i'm sure they don't even know my name

you:  
that's not the same...

lix:  
how come

you:  
forget it...

lix:  
that was the longet conversation of ours  
u happy now chan?

you:  
hyung for you

lix:  
(눈_눈)

_24 july (5:20pm)_

you:  
he's such a....  
such a  
idk who  
a bad person  
no  
not bad but  
um

changbin:  
is that ur neighbour again?

you:  
yeah

minho:  
you talked to him?

you:  
i did!!!!!!  
that's why i came here  
to say he's a  
a  
u know

changbin:  
i don't

minho:  
me neither

you:  
what will i say to his mum )))):

minho:  
that her son is a little asocial bitch who doesn't know how to communicate w people politely

changbin:  
and that it's strange to ask the guy who is 3 years older to be friends with him in the first place

you:  
but i wanna help :c

minho:  
chan stop  
you can't help everyone in this world  
especially not some people who are not ready to accept your help

changbin:  
like felix

minho:  
exactly

you:  
his family invited us for dinner tomorow tho  
his parents are such nice people  
and my parents LOVE them  
they are the bestest friends  
i thought we'd get along w felix too

minho:  
well sometimes u just can't

changbin:  
chan hyung  
just completely ignore him tomorrow  
enjoy ur time eat tasty food chat laugh  
but don't pay attention to felix

minho:  
yeah great idea bin

you:  
ahhhh okay :cccc

_25 july (10:37pm)_

you:  
omg guys guess who texted me

minho:  
felix' mum again?

you:  
no  
it's felix!!!!!

changbin:  
show!!!!!!!!!

you:  
_' forwarded messages '_  
_25 july (10:32pm)_

**lix:**  
**u weren't talkative tonight**

**you:**  
**well you're never talkative**  
**and?**

**lix:**  
**wow no need to be rude**

**you:**  
**you're always rude to me though**

**lix:**  
**i**  
**really?**  
**i'm sorry**

**you:**  
**very funny**

**lix:**  
**what do u find funny here**

**you:**  
**you? sorry? can't believe it**

**lix:**  
**what's wrong with u**

**you:**  
**no felix**  
**what's wrong with YOU**  
**you're grumpy, cocky, annoying and just a little bitch ALL the fucking time**  
**why the hell would i think you are genuinely sorry when it looks like you hate me while i'm trying to be there for you and idk help??**

**lix:**  
**i don't hate u**  
**i**  
**forget it**  
**good night hyung**

changbin:  
hyung.....u.....snapped....wow

minho:  
chan  
go apologize

changbin:  
what?????

you:  
what

changbin:  
i thought u hated felix

minho:  
i still don't like him but  
he sounds offended  
i guess he's genuinely sorry  
something is wrong with him  
idkkkk i just  
feel it

you:  
i feel shitty now bc of u...  
i shouldn't have snapped like this  
i'll text him again

minho:  
good luck

_25 july (10:42pm)_

you:  
hey lix  
i'm sorry  
i shouldn't have said that  
don't you leave me on read

lix:  
it's okay hyung  
at least i know what u really think of me

you:  
no felix

lix:  
then what?  
why do u text me all the time  
why do u try to spend so much time with me when our families gather together  
why r u being so nice  
just to snap at me like that?  
just so i got attached to u?  
was it a joke or something?  
what do u want?

you:  
hey i was just trying to become friends with you  
but you would always brush me off

lix:  
of course i'd do that  
why would anyone want me around?

you:  
wym

lix:  
what..?

you:  
why wouldn't people want to be friends with you lix?

lix:  
bc it's me  
i'm a shitty person

you:  
who told you this

lix:  
well u did some time ago

you:  
and do you think you're a bad person bc of me?

lix:  
well no  
i have my reasons

you:  
you're not bad though

lix:  
u don't know me

you:  
let me get to know you then

lix:  
why

you:  
bc i want to  
and u do too

lix:  
how do u know

you:  
u texted me tonight after i'd been ignoring you all dinner

lix:  
right...

you:  
so?  
will you tell me about yourself   
and don't say there's nothing to tell

lix:  
but there's literally nothing...  
bc i have no friends no interests no funny stories to tell  
i'm just a boring guy who's always ignored by everyone  
the only attention i get is from my parents  
and u  
which is alien to me

you:  
at least you get attention from your parents! and you have cute sisters  
they all are the nicest people  
well maybe you didn't happen to make friends but at least you have a great family!

lix:  
hyung....

you:  
what

lix:  
it's not always what it seems like

you:  
what  
why

lix:  
nothing  
forget

you:  
stop saying that

lix:  
it's complicated hyung

you:  
well i'll gladly listen

lix:  
and i can't tell

you:  
then i won't pry

lix:  
i'm going to sleep

you:  
wait  
do u wanna hang out tomorrow?

lix:  
but the weather will be so hot

you:  
come ooon  
we can go to the beach! it's windy there

lix:  
i  
wait

_25 july (11:55pm)_

you:  
lix?

lix:  
yeah ill ho  
go  
jm  
can we go earkier

you:  
what's wrong lix

lix:  
whats wring

you:  
yeah we can  
9 am?

lix:  
s  
see u


	2. getting to know each other

_26 july (6:30pm)_

minho:  
where the hell is chan

changbin:  
idk hyung he hasn't been online since 8 am  
that's scary....  
who wakes up that early on summer holidays and then disappears from social media for the whole day 

minho:  
what if something bad happened???

changbin:  
nah i don't think so  
well anyway it's too early to go to the police

minho:  
why police

changbin:  
to look for chan

minho:  
bin SHUT UP  
stop scaring me  
he's an adult he knows what he's doing

changbin:  
r u sure

minho:  
bin

you:  
i'm here

changbin:  
we thought u were dead 

minho:  
we didn't 

changbin:  
where were u hyung

you:  
i went for a walk w felix

minho:  
freak

changbin:  
i knew u didn't like him but....  
that's kinda rude hyung

minho:  
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT  
it was one of the hottest day  
only chan would go for a walk today

you:  
but there were a lot of people on the beach

minho:  
freaks

you:  
btw talking about hot weather  
i think felix is ill or something   
or maybe he's shy of his body?

minho:  
wym

you:  
he was wearing a thick black hoodie today  
and when i asked the fuck? he said he's cold and always wears it  
but he was obviously sweating and hot  
so idk what to think  
i kept asking him about that hoodie  
and he was getting so umm  
angry?  
no  
anxious??? i guess

minho:  
i don't like it..

changbin:  
me neither   
it turns out felix is a freak too

minho:  
no no that's something else

you:  
minho what   
you're scaring me

changbin:  
oh no  
omg   
omg hyungs 

you:  
what????

minho:  
bin you're thinking of it too?

changbin:  
yes....oh god  
i hope it's not that

minho:  
then what else????

changbin:  
idk..

you:  
WHAT are you two talking about 

minho:  
chan..  
don't you think that felix may be  
ugh  
may be self-harming..?

you:  
....  
what  
no no no  
why would he

changbin:  
idk hyung it seems like an only explanation of that hoodie

you:  
can't it be something else?  
his favourite hoodie? or smth

minho:  
chan..  
it's just a thought 

you:  
i just don't get why he would want to do this  
what's so wrong..

changbin:  
it's not necessarily it hyung  
don't worry till u know the truth

you:  
should i ask him?

minho:  
no he'll get angry

you:  
what do i do then

changbin:  
just be there for him?

you:  
i still wanna ask tho

minho:  
don't 

you:  
but

minho:  
u already did?

you:  
NO!!!!!  
NO I PROMISE  
i'm just really worried  
he was so fidgety today   
OHH he texted 

changbin:  
show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

minho:  
ask him to hang out with us too  
you don't mind bin?

changbin:  
wow why the change of heart  
and i don't 

minho:  
idk  
maybe he's not that bad

you:  
oh okay  
i'll ask

  
_26 july (6:57pm)_

you:  
_' messages attached '_  
_26 july (6:49pm)_

**lix:**  
**thank you hyung**  
**for today**  
**i needed an escape**  
**and to free my mind from stuff**

**you:**  
**glad to help!**

**lix:**  
**but u enjoyed it?**

**you:**  
**yeah and you?**

**lix:**  
**yes i said that**

**you:**  
**then**  
**do you wanna hang out again?**

**lix:**  
**mm yes?**

**you:**  
**with me and my friends**

**lix:**  
**oh**  
**idk**  
**i'm .... afraid of new people**

**you:**  
**but they are nice!!! and there are only two of them**  
**they're also younger than me**  
**we'll just hang out at my place**

**lix:**  
**oh i always wanted to ask**

**you:**  
**yes?**

**lix:**  
**why do u come to live w ur family on holidays when u have ur own place?**  
**i mean if i had a chance to move i'd never want to come back**

**you:**  
**i just miss them**  
**and i feel lonely when it's a break**  
**i have no work and nothing to learn now**  
**so i just help my parents around the house**  
**or play with my siblings**  
**we visit ur place often in the end**  
**it's fun!**

**lix:**  
**i see..**

**you:**  
**so?**  
**u wanna meet my friends?**

**lix:**  
**don't they mind?**

**you:**  
**of course no**

**lix:**  
**well i'll be with u so ig it's fine**  
**don't leave me alone tho**  
**with them**

**you:**  
**i won't**

**lix:**  
**no seriously**  
**promise?**  
**i'm kinda**  
**mm anxious?**

**you:**  
**you don't feel anxious w me though, do you?**

**lix:**  
**somehow i don't**  
**idk why**  
**but most of the time i feel umm**  
**...safe**

**you:**  
**i'm happy to know that**  
**then why were you running away all that time?**

**lix:**  
**didn't wanna bother u**

**you:**  
**you've never bothered me**

**lix:**  
**for now maybe no**  
**but u'll get tired of me soon**

**you:**  
**why do you think so?**

**lix:**  
**i just know**  
**g'night hyung**

**you:**  
**good night lix**

changbin:  
omgggg cute!!!!! that don't leave me alone part uwu

you:  
yeeeeeees :3  
i think he warms up!

minho:  
kinda looks desperate 

changbin:  
ur a pessimistic ass

minho:  
i'm not  
i'm just being realistic   
he said he would never want to return home after he moved  
that  
that is sad

changbin:  
i think ur looking too deep into it

minho:  
maybe i am  
but he's really asocial tho  
he said he's afraid of new people and anxious 

you:  
he also said that he has no friends   
and that his classmates may not know his name  
and that everything is complicated w his family   
i....don't like it

changbin:  
okay maybe minho hyung isn't looking too deep into it  
everything seems to be pretty much on a surface rn

minho:  
of course it does after i said all that

changbin:  
blah blah

minho:  
hey-

you:  
stop you two fighting 

changbin:  
he started it

minho:  
me????????????

changbin:  
not me obviously duh

you:  
you're worse than my siblings   
and they're literally kids

changbin:  
blah blah

minho:  
you see?

you:  
oh my gosh

Chan and Felix kept texting each other every day. Mostly it was Chan talking, but the younger boy didn't seem to mind. They started to get on well finally. 

However, something happened, when Felix got to meet Chan's friends. Everything was fine at first. They spent two hours talking and laughing (though Felix kept silent and tried to merge with the sofa), but then Chan left the living room, not alarming anybody. 

  
_30 july (5:44pm)_

lix:  
hyung where did u go  
u promised u won't leave me

you:  
hey i'm on the kitchen!  
you can come here  
lix  
felix?

  
"Hey, Felix," Minho called for him. "Just breathe, we won't eat you."

"Wh-what?" Felix snapped his head towards Minho and Changbin, who were sitting on the couch.

"There's nothing to be worried about. If you keep breathing that heavily, you'll have a panic attack," the older boy turned his attention to the movie they were watching, acting nonchalantly. 

"A-a what?" Felix was getting extremely worried. After Mihho noted something was wrong with his breathing, it seemed impossible to control it anymore. Where is Chan?

"Haven't you experienced a panic attack before?" Minho kept prying shifting his body, so now he was facing the younger boy, wearing a neutral expression Changbin was looking at Felix too.

"No? I-I mean...I d-don't know," he couldn't help stuttering. What was wrong with him? Felix hated that creeping feeling of fear, getting him all the time, when he was scolded by parents or asked to answer in the class in front of so many people.

"You seem to have one right now," this time Changbin spoke. His voice was soft and soothing, but that didn't help to calm down. 

"What's going on?" Chan stepped into the living room, handful of snacks. "Lix? How are you? You're shaking."

"Hyung...I...sorry," he felt three pairs of eyes staring at him. Felix felt embarrassed and vulnerable. It was a bad idea to agree to Chan's suggestion. What was he even thinking? 

"Hey, Lix, it's okay. I'm here. Do you want me to hug you?" Felix nodded, surprised by his boldness. After he felt the heat of Chan's body, the younger boy hid his face in hyung's shoulder and started crying. God, he was such a mess.

Minho caught the change in the atmosphere and decided to do something about it. "Oh, Changbin, it's almost six!"

"And what?" Changbin deadpanned.

"Chan, i think we need to get going," Minho wouldn't let up.

"Already? Then I'll walk you to the door," Chan pulled away from Felix. "Give me a minute, Lix". 

"But hyungs..." Changbin seemed confused and wanted to say something when Minho interrupted him. "Bin, shut up, you promised to help me, remember?"

"I did?" Minho wanted to smack him hard.

"Yes." He said, his tone stiff. When they were finally ready to leave, Minho leaned in and whispered to Chan, "Talk to him".

"Bye, Felix!" Changbin shouted so loud, Minho finally smacked him, "Ouch. Hyung what's up with you today?" Felix smiled at that and heard the door close. Chan appeared in the living room again.

"They left because of me, right?" Felix pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them, feeling shitty. His cheeks were still wet.

"What? No! Of course not. They have...uhm...stuff to do," Felix didn't seem convinced at that but sighed and said, "Okay, I'm sorry though. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Hey, it's fine. I shouldn't have left you. I'm sorry, I promised and...yeah, I made you worry." Chan sat on the couch next to him.

"I mean, I'm always worried. It's not really your fault." Felix tried to joke but judging by Chan's sad expression, he didn't succeed at all.

"Always?" Felix nodded, "Yeah, hyung that's what I said. I'm terrified all the time: when I'm at home, when I'm at school, when I'm in public. That's not a big deal. Don't you feel it too?"

"I-I don't..." Chan kept looking at him, trying to figure out what to say, "Didn't you think that you might have...I don't know...a social anxiety disorder?"

Felix was silent for a moment, thinking, "I...what's this?"

"You don't know? It's when your heart races, you may feel nauseous and even be in pain sometimes, it's hard to concentrate on what's going on around you. You're also sweating and shaking. That happens when you're around people. And when you're alone, you can have difficulty sleeping or feel restless." 

Felix seemed shoked by Chan's words, "How do you know all that, hyung?" he gasped.

"Minho is dealing with that, too."

"What? Really? He...he looks so confident."

"He's fighting it for a really long time. And he knows us well, so Minho feels comfortable with me and Changbin." Chan replied simply.

"But he doesn't know me..." Felix was confused now.

"I guess, he just relates to you, knows how you feel and all. I heard him talking about panic attacks with you."

"He did. Hyung...what...what are th-the symptoms?" Felix was afraid to ask for some reasons. Learning new things about yourself was never easy. 

"The panic attacks? Oh, well...fist of all, you're usually hyperventilating during them."

"Hyperventilating?" Felix cutely tilted his head to the side, his expression serious.

"Yeah, heavy breathing, you can't controll it. Also, diziness, trembling, racing heart, everything i had listed before. Oh, you may also cry and feel unsafe."

Felix was deep in thought after what he heard. He became fidgety, eyes darting around the room. When Felix shifted his gaze to his hands, he saw them shaking.

"Hey, hey, no need to start another one. I think, it's enough for today." Felix looked Chan right in the eyes, "Hyung, is that bad? To feel that way? Is that wrong? What do I do?" He looked so small and vulnerable at that moment, Chan wanted to embrace him again and never let go.

"Lix, I guess we should tell your paren-"

"NO!" Felix jumped at that, "No way, hyung. No, no, no. I-I can't. Don't...don't tell them, please..." the younger boy was terrified. 

"Hey, I won't, I promise. Come here," Felix hesitated. "Don't be afraid, I'll just hug you again, okay?"

"Okay...Can we, please, stop talking about it?" Felix came closer and let Chan close his arms around him. It felt good.

"Sure, baby. Wanna watch a movie?" 

"Yes."


	3. minbin agenda

_30 july (7:44pm)_

changbin:  
so at first minho hyung said that i had promised to help him just to leave you chan hyung and felix alone  
but then! ! !  
he really made me help him

you:  
ahajajaj how so

changbin:  
he decided that we need something new in our life  
so he decided to move furniture   
i moved wardrobe!!!!!!  
and then he saw it and said hmm  
no it was better before  
move it back  
i?????  
i'm not even paid to do this 

minho:  
you want me to pay?  
i can kiss you for that

changbin:  
.....  
no thanks i better not get any payment 

minho:  
why   
am i disgusting to you?

changbin:  
it's not that hyung 

minho:  
then what

changbin:  
i  
but we're friends 

minho:  
and?

changbin:  
did u kiss chan hyung then?

minho:  
yes

changbin:  
WHTA  
CHAN HYUNF

you:  
ye he did

changbin:  
?????  
but that's against the bro code (°ロ°) 

minho:  
i don't follow any codes

changbin:  
i am   
at loss of words

minho:  
so why wouldn't you kiss me?

changbin:  
if u wanna kiss me so much then go do it

minho:  
oh so now you're talking like that

changbin:  
don't u like it?

minho:  
i'm coming changbin

changbin:  
uh huh

you:  
(×_×) 

  
_30 july (7:59pm)_

changbin:  
HYUNG HE REALLY DID IT

you:  
good for you!!!  
hope he asked you out too

changbin:  
why would he do this

minho:  
bc i like you

changbin:  
u what  
go say it to my face coward 

minho:  
i'm comjng changbin 

changbin:  
uh huh

  
_30 july (8:20pm)_

changbin:  
HYUNG WE'RE DATING WTF

you:  
smh

minho:  
(¬‿¬ )~~~♡

_30 july (8:23pm)_

you:  
lol lix u wouldn't believe this  
minho and changbin just started dating  
right in front of my salad

lix:  
they like each other?

you:  
yeah of course they do

lix:  
but they are guys

you:  
lix....you're scaring me  
don't say you don't know two guys can like each other and well...date...idk live together   
minho and changbin live together btw

lix:  
um  
i know that but  
isn't it bad?

you:  
no....why would you think that?

lix:  
my parents told me

you:  
oh well  
my parents are homophobic too  
but you're 18 already  
i mean don't you have your own opinion about that kind of stuff?

lix:  
i  
but  
my parents say that   
that they're always right  
and like  
social media fools us all

you:  
i  
lix  
that's not true  
well sometimes it is  
but not in this case

lix:  
r u like them too?

you:  
like who

lix:  
your friends  
do u like guys too?

you:  
..yes

lix:  
oh  
okay

you:  
you're not dusgusted?

lix:  
no? i mean  
my parents probably would be  
but i always thought it's not my business   
what other people think or like  
i never really thought of it tbh

you:  
have you ever had a crush?

lix:  
idk  
i just  
don't like people   
i don't know how it feels

you:  
lixie...what's going on with you 

lix:  
wym

you:  
maybe i just fooled myself  
i imagined you completely different 

lix:  
i told u   
u don't know me  
and u won't stay for long

you:  
but i'm not going anywhere 

lix:  
hyung

you:  
what

lix:  
have u ever dated someone?

you:  
oh yes  
a girl in school  
and a boy in university   
we broke up last year bc i didn't want to tell my parents  
so he thought i wasn't serious about it

lix:  
i wouldn't tell either if i were u  
that's stupid to break up bc of that, isn't it  
not that i'm an expert tho

you:  
wellll he thought i wasn't trustworthy   
but in the end maybe i didn't love him that much  
we didn't really fit each other 

lix:  
i see  
why don't u date now?

you:  
there's nobody i like that way rn

lix:  
oh okay

you:  
why do you ask

lix:  
just interested   
i know nothing about it  
my sisters never tell me  
and i don't speak to people in school  
and i can't ask parents 

you:  
why

lix:  
that's completely terrifying to talk about relationship w them  
they always talk about how i need to come out of my shelter meet a wonderful girl and create an ideal family just like one we have  
and i don't want that

you:  
then what do you want

lix:  
idk hyung...  
but exactly not THAT

you:  
what exactly  
come out of shelter? meet a wonderful girl? or create a family 

lix:  
well maybe i want a family  
i want it to be calm and loving  
and accepting? i don't want anyone to shout or scold each other   
i want it to be a safe place  
where i will feel comfortable   
that's my dream actually   
i don't have it now

i mean.... i love my parents they r good people and stuff...but idk it's hard hyung

you:  
oh lixie...

lix:  
and that ephemeral girl they always talk about   
i just can't imagine it  
and i don't want to even imagine   
i thought that's the most important part  
to find a girlfriend  
but now u said that about your friends   
they're like family rn right?  
they love each other and they're happy and they live together 

you:  
yes, you're right  
they truly love each other even if they don't know about it yet  
they've been lovey-dovey for a long time now ahjajsjsk

lix:  
that's cute??  
when i was at your place they seemed to take extra care of each other 

you:  
oh yeah  
at first they banter and afterwards they become the sappiest people in the world and then they banter again and it repeats all the time

lix:  
i'm  
ig i'm happy for them

you:  
that's good lix  
don't ever think it's wrong

lix:  
i won't   
u wanna go for a walk again hyung?  
but in the evening   
it's not so hot

you:  
yes! but i don't get why won't you wear a t-shirt or something 

lix:  
i  
don't ask hyung

you:  
you're worrying me

lix:  
hyund don't   
i don't like the heat  
that's it

you:  
if you say so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey if you like this, drop a comment!!! so i'd know, what you think of it  
> i accept criticism, too!! it's important to correct mistakes and improve, and it's hard to accomplish that without any feedback


	4. sleepover

_2 august (10:12pm)_

lix:  
we're so happy to live next to the sea

you:  
yeeeeeeeees  
i reaaaally love it!!!  
i'll never get tired of it

lix:  
me too  
btw mum's so happy   
that we started strolling together   
she might cry omg

you:  
ajaksjsk i'm glad  
oh  
how do you think!!  
will your parents let you stay the night at my place?  
i always see you online at like 4 am so  
we can have an all-nighter and watch something 

lix:  
oh  
don't bother hyung

you:  
nonononono  
now that i think of it  
it's a great idea!!!!  
we can cook something together  
your sister told me you love cooking

lix:  
i bet she made fun of me

you:  
well she did  
but i think that's cool!  
so? will you ask?

lix:  
idk i'm afraid 

you:  
do you want me to ask?

lix:  
um  
yes....

you:  
okay! i'll come over tomorrow 

  
It was nine in the morning and Felix felt like shit. He fell asleep around seven and his mother woke him up twenty minutes ago. She was making a list of things to buy in the supermarket, which was why she got up so early: she wanted Felix to help her out with shopping. They both flinched when someone started knocking on the door. Who the hell could that be?

Mum stood up and headed towards the door to open it, "Oh, Channie! Hello, come in. Do you want some tea?" Shit. Of course it was Chan.

"No, don't bother, I just came to ask you something," he said, while stepping into the kitchen. That's when he saw Felix, "Oh, good morning, mate."

Suddenly Felix became aware of his position: his brown hair was a total mess, his face was swollen and puffy, and he was eating cereal in the ugliest way possible. Was that a smile on Chan's face? Is he laughing at Felix? Of course he is. Now Felix was blushing crimson red.

"What is it, dear?" his mum's voice returned him to the reality, and Felix shifted on his chair uncomfortably.

"Will you let Felix stay the night at my place? We'll cook something for dinner and then we'll probably watch something." How the hell did he look so fresh in the morning?

"Oh," mum's gaze darted between two boys, "Why not? Of course. Just don't stay up all night, okay?" Hah, naive.

"We won't!" Chan gave her the sweetest smile and she returned it back. "But, I'd better go now. I have some things to do."

"Goodbye, Channie!" 

The door close behind him. Felix looked at his bowl. Cereal became squisy and completely lost its taste. This morning was ruined.

"I still can't believe you're becoming friends. Maybe you'll finally understand there's nothing bad in being around people." Of course mum had to say something like that. 

"Chan hyung is different."

"How come? He's just a person." How doesn't she understand?

"I know him for three years. And he's kind. And funny."

"You know some of your classmates for 11 years. You're still not friends." 

"That's exactly what I said to hyung! But still, he's different."

"Whatever. Hurry up. We need to get going," mum said coldly and left the kitchen. God, Felix wanted to go back to sleep.

_2 august (9:13am)_

you:  
didn't know you are absolutely the cutest in the morning   
i'm so happy i'll see you like that again tomorrow 

lix:  
tf ur talking about hyung  
i'm so ugly in the morning   
well i'm always ugly  
but mornings.....not my best time

you:  
tell me you're joking

lix:  
what

you:  
bur you're so so pretty  
oh handsome i mean

lix:  
um pretty is okay  
no wait  
r u joking hyung  
i saw u smiling don't lie to me

you:  
of course i was smiling felix  
bc you're cute  
and you were blushing   
i almost cooed at you

lix:  
i  
what....

you:  
didn't people tell you you're cute  
or beautiful 

lix:  
what people hyung

you:  
right  
lix

lix:  
what now

you:  
you're beautiful 

lix:  
STOP IT  
i feel strange when u say that

you:  
do you not like it?  
i don't want to make you uncomfortable 

lix:  
i  
no  
not that  
i just  
i've never felt it idk hyung  
i'm confused

you:  
okay i'll let you be for now cutie

lix:  
....

Chan picked Felix up around five in the evening, and they headed towards the older boy's flat. They kept talking about this and that, the weather was nice, the scent of the sea water was in the air. Everything was perfect.

When boys walked into the apartment Chan asked, "You said you wanted to cook pasta, right? I got some ingredients."

"Yeah, thanks."

"Gonna warn you: I'm terrifying at cooking. I actually might burn something." Felix laughed at it, "Hyung, how do you survive then all alone?" They stepped into the kitchen, and Chan opened the fridge to look for the products.

"Instant ramyeon?" Chan chuckled, "Okay, maybe I'm not too awful. Also, Minho cooks well. And he and Changbin are usually with me during the year." Chan opened the cupboard and put the pot on the table in front of Felix, who was now sitting on the chair.

"That must be cool, hanging out with friends all the time." Felix didn't seem jealous, no. He sounded sincere.

"Not gonna lie, yes." Chan chuckled again, "But you know, sometimes we all get tired of each other, and we need some rest. I'm not gonna feel lonely now, when they started dating, both of them have kinda been getting on my nerves recently. I'm glad they'll be annoying each other now." Chan wasn't irritated saying that.

"You get tired of friends? I don't get it." Chan stood in front of Felix, when all of the necessary ingredients and equipment were on the table.

"Of course. Don't you ever get tired of your family? By the way, we can start now. Kitchen is at your disposal and I'm ready to follow your instructions," Chan finished, smiling.

"Ugh, yeah, okay. So, you go wash and chop mushrooms right now, and I'm gonna boil water." 

After Felix put the pot with water on the cooker, he spoke up again, "Well, yeah. I guess I've been tired of my family for several years now," Chan giggled at the statement. "Hyung, you amaze me sometimes."

"Wh-what?" Chan didn't expect that, so he stopped to look at the younger boy.

"Why the hell are you torturing these poor mushrooms like that?" Chan sighed with relief, but...wait, "Hey! What do you mean? I'm doing my best!"

"Let me show you how to do this properly." 

They spent the rest of the evening cooking together, eating pasta (which was really good!), while watching anime, and just snuggling. Felix felt warm and relaxed and Chan was contented and happy, as the younger boy started to open up finally.

When it was around twelve past midnight, Chan shifted under Felix, whose head was resting on top of his hyung's chest and said, "Do you wanna take a shower? I'll go after you."

"Yeah. That would be nice, actually. Let me take my things."

  
Felix came back with flushed skin and slightly wet hair in 20 minutes. Wearing a gray hoodie. Hoodie again. Last time Chan checked, it was pretty warm in the apartment, "Oh, you're wearing a hoodie again." Felix' expression fell, and Chan regretted asking immediately. "I'm just always cold after shower. That's it."

"Oh, okay. You can choose another movie now, while I'm showering."

"Cool."

Felix was deep in thought, when Chan returned to the living room. "Hey, Lix," the boy flinched at that. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. What were you thinking about? You look like you saw a ghost," Chan chuckled.

"Hyung," Felix said, his voice feigning worry, but tone serious, "You'll never judge me, right? Can I trust you?"

Chan was looking him in the eyes for a moment. What was all of that about? "Of course, Lix. You can tell me everything."

"I...promise you won't tell my parents," Chan thought of how terrified Felix sometimes got, when he was talking about his parents.

"I promise."

"Uhm...it's better-it's better if I show you," Felix started rolling his sleeves up slowly, and Chan gasped. The younger boy's arms were covered with scars and scratches of different sizes, some of them new and fresh. 

Chan couldn't believe it. Yes, Minho and Changbin warned him about the possibility of Felix' self-harming but it was completely different to see this with his own eyes. Chan suddenly felt so, so sorrowful, his eyes watering. He looked at Felix, who was now sitting in front of him uncomfortably. When the boy noticed Chan's tears he became fidgety and even more worried, "Hyung? Hyung, why are you crying?" His eyes started to fill up with tears, too. "Hyung, say something, please," Felix sniffed, his lip was trembling. 

"Come here, Lix," Chan opened his arms, and Felix leaned into the older's embrace. They both were crying, Chan thinking of how he wanted to protect the boy till the end of his life, and Felix holding onto his hyung desperately, searching for safety and acceptance.

When they pulled away from each other after what felt like hours, Chan asked "Please, tell me why...why you are doing this?"

Felix rubbed his eyes, they were swolen now. "It just...helps me deal with stress...I guess."

"That's...that's a lot of stress from what I've seen, Lix..."

"It is, hyung," Felix sighed sadly.

"What ruined you so much?" Chan didn't let up, "And you can take it off now, I see you're hot."

"Oh, but I-I didn't take a t-shirt with me..." Felix looked embarrassed. 

"Only hoodies?" the boy nodded, "Then wait," Chan got up, leaving Felix confused.

He returned with a simple white tee, which looked a bit too big for Felix' small frame, "Here, you can change." The boy took it and shifted on the couch hesitantly. Then it occurred to Chan, "Oh! I-I can turn away."

"N-no, it's okay," Felix pulled up his hoodie and changed into the t-shirt. It really was a bit bigger. Chan couldn't help looking at Felix' arms again, "So, will you tell me everything?" he met Felix' eyes.

"Okay," the boy sighed. "I-I started doing it around...uhm...three? Yes, three years ago," Chan felt so bad. "That was a hectic month, I remember, how I felt really well. I was thinking about harming myself for a while back then. Then I suddenly got the blade, when my parents weren't at home and started doing it. I couldn't stop at first, I was mesmerized...i-it felt so good, hyung. Like a relief. I know that's bad and wrong. Sometimes it feels like I'm getting over it. But then I feel shitty again, and the only thing I can do to help myself is make some new scars." Chan took Felix' hands and rubbed them with his thumbs. 

"It...often happens after I fight with parents or sisters. I..feel so bad...and alone afterwards. I don't...don't even know why I still...live sometimes." He didn't know he started crying again, until Chan rubbed the tears off his face gently with his fingertips.

"You're dozing off, baby. It was a difficult day for you, wasn't it?" Felix nodded, closing his eyes. "You're very tired, let's go to sleep."

"Okay," Felix whispered, voice barely audible. 

"Do you-do you want to sleep with me?" Chan asked.

"I...y-yes. I d-do."

"Let's go then."

  
Chan woke up to Felix clinging to him almost desperately, as if the older was going to disappear at any moment. He stretched his arm to pull Felix closer and breathed in his smell. He wished his mornings were always as ideal as that one.

"G'morning, hyung," Chan heard the muffled voice next to him, "Morning, Lix. Wanna get up?"

"No, let's stay like this for a moment," Chan giggled and pressed a kiss to the top of Felix' head. He registered what he's done only after the younger stiffened. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"I-It's okay, hyung." Felix leaned in even closer, hugging Chan tightly.

  
When the boys were sitting on the kitchen, drinking tea, Chan asked, "Maybe we should go for a walk again today?"

"Hyung, that's so, so hot out there..." Felix whined.

"But you can wear my t-shirt now. You don't have to hide anymore," Chan took another sip of a tea.

"Yes...but...what other people would think of me?" he was hesitant. 

"We won't pay attention to them."

"Okay," Felix stared into the window, "I haven't walked without a hoodie for a while now. Guess it's nice to feel the wind on your skin, right?"

"Right, Lix."

  
_3 august (1:44pm)_

changbin:  
@banggchannie  
come here

you:  
yes?

changbin:  
do u wanna come over?

you:  
oh

minho:  
YESSSSSS COME OVER

you:  
what happened w him

changbin:  
he's experimenting w the coffee machine 

you:  
uhmmmm  
changbin why don't you look after your boyfriend properly

changbin:  
hey i do  
but his my hyung  
i'm afraid of him sometimes

minho:  
niooooo don't be afraid  
i won't bite yiiuou

changbin:  
you literally bit me yesterday 

minho:  
(¬‿¬ )~~~♡

you:  
sorry to interrupt   
but i'm w felix

changbin:  
and?  
bring him too  
if he's fine w it

you:  
i'll ask  
ok we'll be there in 20 minutes 

changbin:  
grab something cold to drink

you:  
we'll be there in 30 minutes 

changbin:  
kay

  
_3 august (1:55pm)_

minho:  
I FORGOT TO MENTION   
that my cousin is coming over too

changbin:  
too late  
he's not online

minho:  
)))):::<<<<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! i hope you like it!! i'm doing my best ┐(‘～` )┌  
> drop a comment to let me know what you think !!


	5. new friend

Changbin and Minho were lying on the couch, when they heard someone knocking on the door.

"Hyunjinnie, open it please. I'm too lazy to stand up." Minho snuggled in Changbin, "Don't we...uh...need to meet our guests?" Changbin protested.

"I've lost all my energy, Bin. They'll understand." Minho yawned.

"Well, maybe drinking three cups of strong coffee was a bad idea? Don't you think? And I still have my energy..."

"Felix?" They heard Hyunjin say in the hall.

"Hyunjin?" deep voice replied.

"What? You know Minho's cousin?"

"He's Minho hyung's cousin?"

"You're Chan hyung's friend?"

Minho and Changbin glanced at each other, shock and amusement mixing in their gazes. They stormed off the living room to look at what was going on in the hall. That's when Minho's gazed dropped to Felix' bare scarred arms.

"Let's go sit and talk," he sounded serious.

"So you and Hyunjin are classmates, right?" Changbin asked.

"Yeah..." Felix replied.

"I suspected, that you were suicidal, but..." Hyunjin was looking at Felix' hands, so the younger tried to hide them, not succeeding in it.

"Hyunjin, what the fuck? Be more respectful." Minho scolded his cousin.

"I'm not suicidal..." Felix stared at the floor starting to worry, but then he felt someone's hand on his shoulder. Chan.

"Hey Felix," Minho called for him, "We don't judge you, okay? I know how you feel."

"I know. Thank you hyung."

  
Needless to say, the time they all spent together was extremely awkward, however everyone acted as if nothing strange had happened before. After Chan an Felix left, the younger sighed with relief, "What a fucking roller coaster."

Chan laughed, "Sorry for putting you through all of this."

"Anything is better than being at home."

_3 august (8:30pm)_

hwang hyunjin:  
hey felix

you:  
fuck off hwang

hwang hyunjin:  
hey hey hey  
i'm here to apologize 

you:  
oh really?  
u weren't thinking of apologizing when you were laughing at me with your friends   
i know minho hyung asked u to do this  
so tell him i forgave u or something 

hwang hyunjin:  
felix no...  
i have my reasons okay?

you:  
for bullying people?

hwang hyunjin:  
well  
yeah :///

you:  
and what r they

hwang hyunjin:  
u expect me to tell u everything?

you:  
well u texted me to apologize  
not me

hwang hyunjin:  
i just dont wanna lose my friends okay?

you:  
well then you have shitty friends 

hwang hyunjin:  
and who to be friends with huh?  
with u?

you:  
i didn't say that  
i better have no friends than the ones like yours

hwang hyunjin:  
me too actually 

you:  
what 

hwang hyunjin:  
you're right   
i should be friends with u like u said

you:  
again  
I didn't say that

hwang hyunjin:  
let's be friends felix

you:  
r u like  
10??  
or no  
people who r 10 r smarter  
r u in the kindergarten?

hwang hyunjin:  
hey (｡•́︿•̀｡)

you:  
didn't know u were a softy

hwang hyunjin:  
I'M NOT

you:  
uh huh

hwang hyunjin:  
how come ur so rude

you:  
life makes u rude when ur bullied by softies

hwang hyunjin:  
ahsjks whhhaaat  
let's be friends

you:  
i'm ignoring u

hwang hyunjin:  
let's be friends felix

you:  
fuck off hwang

hwang hyunjin:  
i'm not leaving u~~~

you:  
(＋_＋)

_3 august (11:12pm)_

you:  
hyunjin

hwang hyunjin:  
mm

you:  
what did u mean when u said u'd supposed i'd been suicidal?

hwang hyunjin:  
oh that  
well everybody in our grade thinks so

you:  
what....

hwang hyunjin:  
yes....  
remember that month when u were ill or something and missed school

you:  
yeah   
so?

hwang hyunjin:  
we thought u were dead 

you:  
wtf hyunjin....

hwang hyunjin:  
but that's true!!!!!  
someone started spreading the rumour  
and all our classmates believed it

you:  
and u

hwang hyunjin:  
me?

you:  
did u believe it?

hwang hyunjin:  
no

you:  
why

hwang hyunjin:  
idk?  
i just didn't want to  
believe in it i mean

you:  
why..

hwang hyunjin:  
i felt bad thinking about it  
and knowing i harmed u as well  
i thought of how i didn't have an opportunity to apologize

you:  
oh  
well then  
if u promise not to fuck w me anymore then i  
i forgive u? ig

hwang hyunjin:  
for real???? and we can be friends??

you:  
idk hyunjin

hwang hyunjin:  
pleeeeeease

you:  
why do u need me

hwang hyunjin:  
well i always wanted to talk to u  
i just was afraid   
maybe it's a fate!!!! that our hyungs r bffs

you:  
g'night

hwang hyunjin:  
why the fuck u lyyying

you:  
what

hwang hyunjin:  
u reposted a meme today at 5am  
do u think i'd believe ur going to sleep?

you:  
no i just wanted to end that conversation   
bye 

hwang hyunjin:  
(´･ᴗ･ ` )

_4 august (3:02am)_

you:  
hey   
you're online  
how are you?

lix:  
good

you:  
good? 

lix:  
hyung that's what i said  
what a strange habit of yours

you:  
i  
i mean  
this thing w hyunjin

lix:  
ah  
well he texted me  
and he apologized  
and we talked  
and he said he wanted to be my friend  
and i said fuck off

you:  
LIX

lix:  
kidding  
but not really  
i did say it  
but also i said bye

you:  
very nice of you

lix:  
i know (◕‿◕)  
do u know him well?

you:  
hyunjin?

lix:  
who else hyung

you:  
idk??? but no not really  
i mean  
we did hang out a lot bc of minho  
he didn't seem like the bully type  
he was always cute and nice and giggly

lix:  
so u like giggly people 

you:  
i  
where does this come from?

lix:  
ahajaj relax hyung

you:  
says you 

lix:  
HEY i'm doing good 

you:  
i'm glad then

lix:  
hyung i'm not suicidal

you:  
i know

lix:  
and i'm not that bad  
i don't wanna die  
i just wanna fix my life   
yeah i may panick a lot  
maybe too much sometimes   
i've read articals about that disorder u told me about  
i mean i related sometimes   
but i'm not a lost case  
i'm okay i've been managing with it for past several years and i'll manage with it in the future too

you:  
you're so strong and amazing тт.тт

lix:  
....hyung

you:  
still....when you feel bad  
text me call me come to my house  
i'm always there for you  
okay?

lix:  
thanks hyung  
it's actually very hard for me to believe u care  
i still wonder why u need me in ur life  
but yeah thanks  
that was stupid of me to avoid u and act bitchy i regret it and i'm sorry

you:  
don't be  
i understand why u behaved that way  
and i'm not leaving you now  
i appreciate you a lot  
i always knew my attempts to get to you wouldn't be useless

lix:  
i can't understand it

you:  
you're precious for me felix  
for million and for no reasons at the same time

lix:  
okay  
i'll try to keep it in mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!! sorry it's kinda short ://// but that all was about meeting hyunjin  
> i thought of making this chapter a bit bigger, but then i realised that some other bits i've already wrote are covering another topic and there's a small small time skip, sooo mixing them wasn't a good idea  
> drop a comment to let me know what you think?


	6. a little jealousy

_5 august (11:02am)_

  
changbin:  
it's my birthday soon  
so don't forget to remind hyunjin and felix that they r invited as well along w u two

minho:  
of course i'm invited   
i'm ur boyfriend and i live w you  
btw hyunjin told me they reconciled w felix

you:  
yeah kind of

minho:  
wym

you:  
we'll find out on bin's birthday!  
what we gonna do

changbin:  
as always  
order a chinese takeout   
play monopolia   
watch anime 

you:  
so a simple get-together but w gifts

changbin:  
yes  
no  
i don't need any gifts

you:  
sure

changbin:  
hey

you:  
bin  
of course we'll get u something   
don't protest

changbin:  
welllll if u say so с:

minho:  
(¬‿¬ )~~~♡

  
_9 august (3:55pm)_

  
lix:  
what should i get changbin hyung?

you:  
oh i don't really think he expects anything from you

lix:  
but i want to  
what does he like

you:  
uhm  
minho?

lix:  
very funny hyung  
i'm serious

you:  
weeell  
he wanted to start learning english  
i guess he'd be on cloud nine if you gave him a dictionary or something   
he's too greedy to buy something himself

lix:  
oh great   
i know a really good book for beginners  
what is ur present btw?

you:  
changbin wanted one programme for making music for really long  
so i bought it to him

lix:  
he's making music???

you:  
yeah, both of us actually   
it's like an extra income sometimes  
we make music for ads and things like that  
but he's been trying to do his own stuff for a while so yeah   
he needs this programme 

lix:  
woah that's really cool

you:  
what would you like to do when you graduate btw?

lix:  
oh well  
something not related to communication   
i love working with computers   
not gonna boast but i'm pretty good in IT  
i'm thinking of taking it as an exam

you:  
omg that's great  
is that why ur online 24/7?

lix:  
kinda  
there are also some forums   
where i talk to people bout programming  
but that's online, they don't see me  
so it's quite nice  
i was also thinking about the tech support  
when people have struggles with someone's breaking into their accounts and all  
helping people but not seeing them  
very nice

you:  
that's so cute  
if you'll feel comfortable working that way it's amazing!  
i'm happy that you know what you wanna do even being in school  
i struggled a lot during my last school year  
so i got into teaching major not really planning it

lix:  
don't u like it?

you:  
i do! somehow i got really into it  
maybe that's because i love english  
and it turned out teaching is cool too

lix:  
that's great hyung i'm happy for u too  
never thought i'd ever be that sincerely happy for someone   
but u've changed my life drastically in only a few weeks???  
wow

you:  
sometimes all it takes is to open up and start trusting someone   
tho you should be extra careful with it  
ngl you're lucky to have me hehehe c:

lix:  
ngl i know and i do trust u now  
if u ever betray me i'll never believe in humanity again

you:  
what a statement....  
but i'm staying with you so you needn't worry

lix:  
thanks hyung

you:  
(´｡• ᵕ •｡`)

  
_10 august (9:44pm)_

  
hyunjin:  
i'm so happy i'm gonna see u tomorrow!!!

you:  
???  
couldn't u just  
ask me to go for a walk with u?

hyunjin:  
was that ever an option?

you:  
uhm  
of course??

hyunjin:  
and u would agree? ( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

you:  
who knows 

hyunjin:  
smh

_10 august (9:53pm)_

  
hyunjin:  
weren't u gonna text something else?

you:  
why would i

hyunjin:  
i saw u typing

you:  
maybe u fell asleep and saw it in your dream

hyunjin:  
heyy )):<

you:  
do u know the characteristics of a smart person?

hyunjin:  
i feel like u gonna harass me  
funny how we switched roles  
now U R BULLYING ME

you:  
so do u?

hyunjin:  
no..

you:  
one of them states that smart person stops talking useless shit and keeps silent when there's nothing left to be said  
i stopped typing bc i understood it was dumb  
what i was typing i mean  
and i'm not dumb

hyunjin:  
then you're a coward

you:  
ngl yes

hyunjin:  
oh u know that vine too

you:  
who doesn't 

hyunjin:  
ur mum

you:  
hyunjin for fuck's sake

hyunjin:  
(◕‿◕)♡  
see ya tomorrow sweetie~~~~~

you:  
ur scaring me  
i'm not going anywhere near u

hyunjin:  
we'll see ehehehheh

you:  
(x_x)

  
Changbin was indeed extremely happy, when Felix gifted him a grammar book for beginners. He even promised to start learning tomorrow. Minho just chuckled at that and said, "Mhm, sure."

Hyunjin was staring at the younger boy the whole time, and somehow Felix didn't feel uncomfortable under his gaze. He was just irritated and wanted to kick his classmate.

After about two hours of eating, chatting and playing in the living room, Felix (he sat on the floor) was suddenly attacked by Hyunjin, who gave him a back hug. The younger tensed up and tried to free himself, but Hyunjin caged him with his legs and whined, "Stop being fidgety and let me hug you."

Felix looked around and his eyes met Chan's. He was frowning and seemed upset. He must've been worried for Felix, so the younger decided to do something in order not to trouble anyone. After all, he loved cuddling, all this attention was just new to him. "It's okay. I-I'm fine with...with hugs," Felix acted imperturbably. Hyunjin pulled him in closer. However, Chan still looked displeased. Maybe Felix should ask later.

  
Time has passed pretty fast, and it was nearing late evening, so boys started cleaning everything up. 

When it was time to leave, Hyunjin stopped Felix, "Hey. Let's hang out tomorrow."

Felix gave him a suspicious look, "What? You said I could've just asked!" Hyunjin protested.

"I also said I might not agree," the younger smiled viciously, but Hyunjin's expression saddened. Felix didn't want to argue in front of everyone, so he decided that the best option was to yes. At least Hyunjin didn't seem that bad anymore. "But okay. If-if you really want to...then..."

"Yay!" Hyunjin literally jumped and gave Felix a bone-crushing hug, "I'll text you."

  
_11 august (9:09pm)_

lix:  
hyung what's buzzing u today

you:  
wym

lix:  
u were upset

you:  
i  
i wasn't 

lix:  
sure

you:  
hey! i was okay

lix:  
u weren't   
u kept staring at me and hyunjin  
if that's bc u were worried

you:  
no!  
i mean  
i was at first  
but then no

lix:  
then what

you:  
i...was jealous

lix:  
of who

you:  
of you lix

lix:  
um  
why?????

you:  
you're becoming friends w hyunjin?

lix:  
bc of hyunjin???? wtf hyung  
how could u be jealous  
i literally   
hated him some time ago

you:  
you hated me too

lix:  
i didn't hyung  
and i already told u that

you:  
okay but now  
you let him hug you

lix:  
well  
i love hugs

you:  
well  
i noticed

lix:  
so? what's the problem

you:  
i told you already 

lix:  
but ur not jealous when minho and changbin hug each other   
they r even dating and ur not jealous

you:  
that's different 

lix:  
how come  
we're friends too right?

you:  
yeah

lix:  
then why the hell were u jealous  
oh  
oh  
oh

you:  
what

lix:  
do u like hyunjin?

you:  
wtf felix no

lix:  
then i can't think of any explanation 

you:  
then stop thinking

lix:  
ye ur right  
ur too illogical hyung srry not srry  
i like u but i don't get u sometimes 

you:  
i  
that's not  
okay  
yes

lix:  
( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)

  
_11 august (11:44pm)_

  
hyunjin:  
lixxxxxxx  
just got to my phone

you:  
what were u doing

hyunjin:  
spending some more quality time with minbin

you:  
why u texted

hyunjin:  
to tell u the details of our meeting ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

you:  
ah that  
i forgot

hyunjin:  
):<<<<

you:  
stop being offended that's my revenge 

hyunjin:  
and for how long do i have to endure it

you:  
not too long ig  
i'm not a monster smh

hyunjin:  
(◕‿◕)

you:  
so?

hyunjin:  
yeah  
10 am?

you:  
so early....

hyunjin:  
10:30 am?

you:  
......  
fine

_11 august (11:56pm)_

  
you:  
btw...

hyunjin:  
yes?

you:  
do u know why  
um  
chan hyung

hyunjin:  
chan hyung?

you:  
why chan hyung would be jealous of me?

hyunjin:  
oh  
bc he likes u duh

you:  
he what

hyunjin:  
what

you:  
r u sure?

hyunjin:  
why aren't u

you:  
how could HE like ME  
me  
he

hyunjin:  
well  
ur quite likeable ngl

you:  
wtf...me...likeable 

hyunjin:  
yes

you:  
is it a joke?

hyunjin:  
no  
now ur the bully not me

you:  
haha..  
wait  
he likes me???

hyunjin:  
ig

you:  
wym ig

hyunjin:  
idk

you:  
HYUNJIN

hyunjin:  
ajakkjsksjsks well  
did u see how he looked at us  
when i was hugging u  
and he's so overprotective  
even minbin hyungs aren't that nasty

you:  
don't call chan hyung nasty

hyunjin:  
so u gonna protect him too now

you:  
i  
...

hyunjin:  
do u like him

you:  
um??????????????

hyunjin:  
what now   
lix ur so problematic 

you:  
ikr  
i don't even know if i like boys

hyunjin:  
have u ever had a crush?

you:  
no

hyunjin:  
hm  
what do u think about minho hyung

you:  
uhm  
he's nice?

hyunjin:  
no  
appearance 

you:  
wellll  
he's beautiful?

hyunjin:  
that's all?

you:  
tf ur asking me  
what is that for  
can't het guys tell if another guy is attractive or not

hyunjin:  
well het guys don't even admit other men can be beautiful cuz that's gay  
that's the general truth of het guys

you:  
um......  
i don't think that's how it works jin

hyunjin:  
jin (ﾉ´ з `)ノ♡

you:  
quit embarrassing me for once with these

hyunjin:  
okay what do u think about me

you:  
ur a noisy ass

hyunjin:  
appearance...

you:  
i know

hyunjin:  
...

you:  
well ig ur likeable   
ur beautiful too

hyunjin:  
whyyy thank u (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ )♡

you:  
so all of that was just u asking for compliments 

hyunjin:  
no  
at least ur not homophobic  
that's good

you:  
again  
u could've JUST asked  
what's that test about appearances   
why r u so difficult 

hyunjin:  
do u find chan hyung attractive?

you:  
i don't wanna answer this question 

hyunjin:  
okay how does he make u feel

you:  
i'm not gonna tell u

hyunjin:  
but u described minho hyung and me immediately ( -_・)

you:  
what's that

hyunjin:  
a wink  
( -_・)

you:  
oh my gosh  
bye hyunjin

hyunjin:  
( -_・)

you:  
i should block u for a while

hyunjin:  
DON'T 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii!!! do you like it?? write a comment so i'll know what you think!


	7. distancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time stamps are very important in the 2nd part of the capter, follow them!

_12 august (6:15pm)_

you:  
hey  
you haven't been online all day  
how's your walk w hyunjin?

  
_12 august (7:22pm)_

lix:  
hey hyung  
do u like me

you:  
i  
what  
lix  
lix??

  
_12 august (7:41pm)_

lix:  
HYUNG I'M SO SO SORRY  
IT WAS HYUNJIN  
HE TOOK MY PHONE  
i'm not going anywhere w him anymore 

you:  
oh  
it's okay  
i thought so

lix:  
u did

you:  
yes

lix:  
okay

you:  
so

lix:  
so  
u first

you:  
no you  
i asked a question 

lix:  
oh as u see  
this walk was TERRIFIC   
hyunjin is the most chaotic person ever  
i've never been embarrassed so many times for such a short period of time  
now he's texting me  
but i'm afraid if i block him  
the consequences will be even worse

you:  
ahahah well....  
minho told me how energetic hyunjin can be sometimes

lix:  
u should've warned me then  
i'm too anxious for it  
i literally got 2 panic attacks today  
well i guess so  
cuz i had those symptoms u listed  
hyperventilating shaking and stuff  
i cried for the second time too

you:  
omg lix ARE YOU OKAY NOW  
i'm gonna text minho to kick jin's ass

lix:  
ahah don't.....:///  
okay tbh  
it wasn't really hyunjin's fault  
no  
second time was absolutely bc of him  
but the first one no  
and he helped me like a brave and wonderful man he is  
(his words)  
so now i'm fine  
i listened to mum's rant about not caring about her and making her worry  
like hey mum i can't controll this okay?  
and my sisters laughed at me  
said i'm not a man  
i said fuck u and ur toxic masculinity sisters  
in my head tho  
i said it in my head  
enough roller coasters for today  
now someone's knocking on my door fuuu

you:  
it's me

lix:  
u want me to die??

you:  
no just to comfort you

lix:  
oh   
okay then c:  
open the goddamn door already 

_12 august (11:11pm)_

lix:  
i missed ur cuddles ngl

you:  
why didn't you tell me that before i had left

lix:  
i'm shy

you:  
tho u seem pretty shameless recently

lix:  
that's cuz of u  
i'm truly shocked  
i even know what a toxic masculinity is

you:  
how do you know btw

lix:  
hyunjin told me  
when we were walking  
actually pretty beneficial and quality time  
not taking endless embarrassment into account   
maybe i should consider going w him again  
tho idk  
i need time to heal and regain my self-control  
it's much safer to be w u  
even w ur friends  
but not w hyunjin  
he's a demon   
but softie  
what a complicated personality (•ิ_•ิ)

you:  
i'm actually happy that you got on well

lix:  
not jealous anymore?

you:  
just a bit  
that's a bad thing anyway

lix:  
well if ur not obsessively possessive   
then it's okay   
i guess i can be jealous too  
in theory

you:  
well i'm not

lix:  
then good

you:  
i wanna hang out w you again

lix:  
u left half an hour ago  
so?  
jus saying  
okay  
then what time  
12?  
no too hot  
well then 2 pm?   
ye great  
see u

you:  
i...  
2 pm it is

_13 august (6:30pm)_

hyunjin:  
hey!  
how was ur walk w chan today???? c:

you:  
i can't talk now

hyunjin:  
oh  
okay  
text me later?

you:  
yeah

  
_13 august (7:42pm):_

chan hyung:  
how are you now lix?

you:  
wym now

chan hyung:  
well  
you seemed distant by the end of the walk

you:  
just got tired

chan hyung:  
want me to come and give you hugs?:3

you:  
no hyung  
it's okay don't bother

chan hyung:  
you're not bothering me

you:  
i know   
just  
don't 

chan hyung:  
okay 

  
_14 august (2:33pm)_

hyunjin:  
can u talk now?

you:  
no

hyunjin:  
what r u so busy with

  
_14 august (2:37pm)_

hyunjin:  
lix?

you:  
later

hyunjin:  
-_-

  
_14 august (9:44pm)_

chan hyung:  
you haven't texted me all day

you:  
sorry i was busy

chan hyung:  
busy?

you:  
yes...  
mum asked to help

chan hyung:  
oh okay  
can u talk now?

_14 august (9:52pm)_

chan hyung:  
lix?

_14 august (11:55pm)_

chan hyung:  
you're scraing me

_15 august (7:02am)_

you:  
i fell asleep sorry

_15 august (9:34am)_

chan hyung:  
wanna hang out today?

you:  
no  
i can't 

chan hyung:  
lix what's wrong

you:  
everything's fine hyung dw

chan hyung:  
i can come anytime 

you:  
no need

chan hyung:  
if u say so

_15 august (5:12pm)_

hyunjin:  
don't say u can't talk NOW

_15 august (5:55pm)_

hyunjin:  
did u leave on read?

_15 august (7:12pm)_

hyunjin:  
hello?

_15 august (9:49pm)_

hyunjin:  
you're not even reading now?  
okay i'll wait

_16 august (3:08am)_

lix:  
thanks

_16 august (11:23am)_

hyunjin:  
FELIX  
ah

_16 august (9:22pm)_

chan hyung:  
felix  
felix what's going on

_16 august (9:35pm)_

chan hyung:  
lixie why don't you even read

_17 august (2:38am)_

chan hyung:  
i'm coming today if u don't answer

_17 august (5:27am)_

chan hyung:  
i'm definitely coming

_17 august (3:09pm)_

hyunjin:  
lix   
what  
the   
hell  
hey?????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo what do u think?? drop a comment for me to find out!!  
> btw oooops i'm running out of already written chapters, but i'll try not to make anyone who reads that for too long


	8. he's gonna be fine

_17 august (5:12pm)_

minho:  
chan  
why is hyunjin spamming my messages asking what's wrong w felix

you:  
what  
why you

minho:  
who else

changbin:  
show!!!!!!!!

minho:  
i already showed you 

changbin:  
not me  
chan

minho:  
 **' messages attached 17 august (5:01pm) '**

**hyunjin:**   
**do u know what's up w felix?????**

**minho:**   
**no?? why would i be even awared of it**   
**is something wrong**

**hyunjin:**   
**YES**   
**EVERYTHING IS WRONG**   
**i thought chan hyung might've told u something**

**minho:**   
**well he didn't**   
**so what's happened**

**hyunjin:**   
**4 days ago he kept saying he was busy**   
**then he was ignoring me and answering in the middle of the night when i was asleep**   
**and now he just leaves me on read**   
**that started the day he went for a walk w chan hyung**   
**i asked how it had been**   
**and he just said "i'm busy, later"**   
**??????**

  
minho:  
what did u do to felix chan

you:  
HEY  
i don't know either   
i came to his house today asked his mum where he was  
she just said ummm weelll ohhh hesss ummm ill?????  
and then his sisters shouts  
NO HES JUST IGNORING YOU LOL  
and i left  
it's not like anybody was gonna let me see him anyways

minho:  
hm  
what happened when you were walking chan?

you:  
everything was okay actually   
only by the end of it he was feeling uncomfortable   
i guess  
we didn't even hug at parting as always  
he just left

minho:  
do you think you said something bad that affected him?

you:  
i don't think so....  
we were just talking about personal stuff  
and just life in overall  
he told me so many things  
i even thought wow he really opens up  
we'll be the bestest friends  
and then all that happened   
i have no clue why

minho:  
i'm honestly confused...  
i try to project it on myself but  
idk

changbin:  
i think i know what it is

minho:  
really????

you:  
what??

changbin:  
is it possible that   
he can feel overwhelmed??  
after firstly, spending so much time w new people recently when he's literally a hermit  
and secondly, giving off too much personal information about himself  
maybe he's just insecure right now  
and uncomfortable   
and needs some space?  
what if chan hyung and hyunjin just texted felix that they r always there for him and they won't bother him until he feels comfortable to come out again  
maybe he just needs time and reassurance that he won't be left alone again after a pause

minho:  
baby you're so smart

you:  
changbin....i'm amazed....

changbin:  
was that helpful?..

you:  
YES I'M GONNA TEXT HIM

minho:  
and i'll send ur message to hyunjin

changbin:  
٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

minho:  
i'll give you lots of kisses (っ˘з(˘⌣˘ ) ♡

changbin:  
♡♡♡♡♡

you:  
stop thaaat  
i want it too :c

  
_17 august (5:27pm)_

you:  
hey lix  
i don't need you to answer that  
i just wanted to remind you  
that i'm always here for you   
if you need some space i'll give it to you  
just remember, i'm in no way leaving you alone  
and i   
i love you lix  
i'm gonna wait till you'll feel comfortable enough to come to us again

  
_17 august (5:29pm)_

minho:  
lol you won't believe this  
hyunjin already told felix what he needed  
and lix even answered 

you:  
what??

minho:  
yeah he just said 'i'll wait' and felix replied thanks

you:  
when?

minho:  
like 2 days ago

changbin:  
he amazes me sometimes

minho:  
he amazes me all the time

you:  
same

changbin:  
well pisces and virgos fit together well

you:  
true

_22 august (3:54pm)_

lix:  
hyungie..

_22 august (8:55pm)_

you:  
lix   
lix are you there

lix:  
yeah i'm here

you:  
i  
why are you up so early 

lix:  
i haven't sleept  
i was thinking   
this whole time

you:  
maybe we should meet?

lix:  
no  
it's easier to say through texts  
so  
i was genuinely happy this whole time  
but that was too much?  
not that it was bad  
it turned out i'm not ready for this amount of socializing   
and recently  
before our walk  
i'd started feeling really bad and  
drained emotionally?  
i started to panick a lot at home and i couldn't sleep almost all that time  
it happened occasionally   
me falling asleep   
and i saw nightmares about  
about being alone  
my parents kept scolding me  
and i  
i

you:  
harmed yourself?

lix:  
yes  
every day   
i regret it sm...  
i shouldn't have done that  
my sister almost noticed  
i was terrified   
and yeah i still was thinking   
about u  
about what hyunjin told me  
i realised something about my feelings   
and that scares me  
i felt disgusted for a few days  
i asked mum about it  
not straightforwardly of course tho  
and she was soo displeased to talk about it  
and i just couldn't stop crying in my room  
i feel bad for being such a mess  
but that's how i am unfortunately 

you:  
lix you're perfect how you are

lix:  
oh also this hyung  
when u sent me that last message i completely lost it all?  
it somehow reassured me but at the same time not? idk...  
ig i believe u when u say ur there for me and i'm significant to u  
bc i don't see why u'd be lying  
and i see u as a literal angel? i always did  
but i just can't imagine and understand why and i don't think u can explain  
i came to the conclusion that it's up to me to accept this  
but again  
look at me  
i'm a horrific mess  
is that what u need in life?  
my mind is full of insecurities that have been living there since my childhood   
it's hard to fix them  
and it's hard to be with me  
i distanced bc i started to feel uncomfortable   
i shared to much personal things about myself got too close to u and what?  
now i understand that i miss u so so much hyung

you:  
felix i love you

lix:  
hyung

you:  
i love you so much and i just can't leave you

lix:  
i love you too hyung

you:  
what  
is that  
the feelings you realised?

lix:  
yeah..

you:  
i missed you too lix

lix:  
can you come over?

you:  
right now?

lix:  
yeah?

you:  
of course

_22 august (7:21pm)_

you:  
hyunjin?

jin:  
LIXIE  
UR HERE

you:  
yeah..  
can i not explain too much  
i spend the whole day with chan hyung

jin:  
soooo u reconciled???

you:  
we never fought 

jin:  
well rebounded?

you:  
it's still complicated but yeah kinda

jin:  
wym

you:  
well we're taking it slow...?

jin:  
slow?  
what  
wait.....  
does it mean that....  
you...  
oh....omg  
you know...

you:  
r u 10?  
why can't u talk like a normal person

jin:  
I'M SHYYY

you:  
softie

jin:  
so i'm right

you:  
yes...

jin:  
I'M SO HAPPY FOR U♡♡♡♡♡

you:  
i'm happy for me too

jin:  
c:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiiiii!!! sorry for a delay, i wanted to finish the last chapter before posting this one  
> for reference,,,i haven't finished odsidjkkskskkj but it's almost written soooooo yeah, the next chapter is the last one and spoilet, there's gonna be a time skip
> 
> but what do u think bout this one?? did u like it? let me know!


	9. epilogue

_2 years later_

"Hyung, have you seen my hoodie?" Felix looked for it everywhere, and their room was a mess of clothes now. "You mean my hoodie?" Chan giggled and looked up from his laptop. He was covered with T-shirts and sweaters from the wardrobe. 

"Whatever...so, have you?" Felix didn't give up on trying to find it. "Last time I checked, it was in the washing machine, Lixie..."

The younger boy growled, "But I wanted that one! I'll feel more comfortable in it. It reduces stress."

"Well, you can wear any other, love. Are you still worried to see her?" Chan put the laptop away to stand up and come up to his boyfriend. 

"Of course, I am! I don't understand why mum would need me suddenly, so it scares me even more!" Felix' expression fell, and he looked up to meet Chan's eyes.

They stayed like that for a while, studying each other's faces, but then Chan hugged Felix tightly and spoke up, "Hey...everything's gonne be fine. Moreover, I'm picking you up, remember?"

"You are?" Felix pulled away, puzzled expression on his face.

Chan chuckled, "Yeah, we're meeting your psychiatrist today."

"Ah, that...right." 

When Felix helped mum in the kitchen, they sat still by the table with filled tea cups, awkwardness floating in the air.

"So, you're dating Chan," mum's voice broke the silence.

Felix choked, "Wh-what?" Mum wasn't even asking. It was a statement. 

"I already know, no need to deny. I just wanted you to admit it and tell me why it was a secret this whole time." She sounded disappointed. 

"I...yeah...I-I, we...we're dating," Felix coughed nervously. "I didn't tell you because...because I thought you-you would be against it..." Felix felt like panicking, mum always made him feel that way.

"Well...If you still was in school, I probably would be. But now, what can I do? Do you-do you really like him?" She looked hesitant. Felix looked for any hint of disgust on her face.

"I love him," Felix answered confidently. Mum's gaze stayed on him for a moment, and then she sighed.

"At least invite him here someday."

"He-he's actually gonna pick me up from here," Felix said, and they heard the knock on the front door.

Mum quickly stood up to see who could that be. "Chan..." Felix heard her say.

"Good afternoon!" Poor, oblivious Channie, Felix thought.

"So you're dating my son," she said firmly.

"Mum!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo that's it!!! the end!!!! sorry it's short, but that was my first attempt at writing a fic in english anyway ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> iiiiii still hope u liked it! so drop a comment to let me know what u think
> 
> also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to post a new work really really soon like in several days  
> it's hyunlix centric and i might add seungbin as a side ship and there's gonna be one more character who wasn't here  
> if u like hyunlix and liked my fic wait for it!!!!!
> 
> btw if u wanna talk to me or smth my twt is @ksinkinsink


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